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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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Topic: Jokes to lighten your day:) (Read 57108 times)
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #90 on:
December 08, 2010, 04:32:57 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really?
And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, comes the reply.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #91 on:
December 18, 2010, 08:39:33 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to
empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his
balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and
shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes
over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner......
> 'I think my missus caught a glimpse.....
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #92 on:
December 27, 2010, 05:18:34 PM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2758
Got this one from Blackduck yesterday (old member from AU)
A bloke goes into the Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind
The desk.
The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies.
"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.
Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.."
"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Wagga Wagga "
"Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #93 on:
December 30, 2010, 10:35:34 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise
that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #94 on:
December 30, 2010, 07:17:20 PM »
joe9142
Posts: 91
weapon of choice: MY BARE HANDS
Not really a joke but does not deserve another thread: but it will lighten your day.
STRESSED
is
DESSERTS
Spelled backwards.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #95 on:
December 31, 2010, 09:27:04 AM »
Groovechild
Server Admin
Posts: 296
If life hands you lemons, ask for Tequila and salt
A man a plan a canal panama,
backwards is...
A man a plan a canal panama.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #96 on:
January 07, 2011, 08:17:12 PM »
TheMIC
Posts: 16
checking out potential clans to join.
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #97 on:
January 17, 2011, 04:52:49 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn't what they had in mind.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #98 on:
January 17, 2011, 05:07:07 PM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2758
Skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #99 on:
January 22, 2011, 01:57:41 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing
Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #100 on:
January 22, 2011, 01:32:41 PM »
TheMIC
Posts: 16
checking out potential clans to join.
Quote from: buttscratcher on January 17, 2011, 05:07:07 PM
Skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
lol it took me a while to get this one!
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #101 on:
January 22, 2011, 02:12:55 PM »
Unforgiven75
Guest
I saw a man with one leg and no arms standing at the ATM. He asked if I would help and check his balance, so I pushed the bastard over.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #102 on:
February 07, 2011, 02:46:56 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral." .
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #103 on:
February 22, 2011, 10:58:33 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in the seminary garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his "weenie" & they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Nicolo
Poor Nicolo. As the beautiful woman danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground & laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, poor Nicolo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up.... & all the other bells started to ring.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #104 on:
February 22, 2011, 12:53:29 PM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2758
I lol'd.
good one.
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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