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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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Topic: Jokes to lighten your day:) (Read 57127 times)
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #135 on:
February 18, 2012, 06:28:52 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push and she fell over.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #136 on:
February 18, 2012, 06:29:41 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
PARAPROSDOKIANS...(WinstonChurchill loved them) are figures of speech in
which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I wantto be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do ishurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since lighttravels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreedwith you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We neverreally grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does notdetermine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge isknowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They beginthe evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To stealideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop inbus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a workstation.
11. I thought Iwanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application,where it says 'In case of emergency, notify' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't sayit was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind everysuccessful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usuallyanother woman.
15. A clearconscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. You do notneed a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
17. Money can'tbuy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
18. There's afine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
19. I used to beindecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're nevertoo old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sureof hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgiaisn't what it used to be.
23. Change isinevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to churchdoesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you acar.
25. Wherethere's a will, there are relatives.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #137 on:
March 10, 2012, 04:14:56 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
AWESOME STORY, PLEASE READ
1+ 2 = 3
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres..
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school because they had a reputation for getting excellent results. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the big plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #138 on:
April 02, 2012, 12:15:30 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #139 on:
April 10, 2012, 03:23:49 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #140 on:
April 10, 2012, 06:40:26 AM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2758
^ now thats a good one
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #141 on:
April 27, 2012, 02:25:22 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing
Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #142 on:
May 12, 2012, 05:49:26 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.
'What's the matter, son?' asked his mammy.
'We were doing sums today, Mammy,' he said.
'And were they too hard?'
'Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.'
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #143 on:
June 26, 2012, 05:18:19 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Paddy and Murphy get the day off
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #144 on:
July 21, 2012, 06:10:22 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #145 on:
July 27, 2012, 01:07:34 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Granddad."
The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Cans of lager and women with big tits."
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #146 on:
August 18, 2012, 02:21:08 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Women’s English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re… so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = … and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I’m not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #147 on:
August 18, 2012, 07:12:15 AM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2758
^true, so true.
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #148 on:
September 21, 2012, 12:57:44 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #149 on:
September 26, 2012, 04:44:56 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
When I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old GIRL,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my i-Pad.'
So I used it!
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it ...
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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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