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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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Topic: Jokes to lighten your day:) (Read 55997 times)
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #15 on:
May 10, 2010, 10:44:09 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
(P.S. I didn't see that one coming, either.)
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #16 on:
May 10, 2010, 10:44:29 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head....."No. They're all at the funeral."
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #17 on:
May 10, 2010, 10:44:49 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dae ye hiv any books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,
'F**k off, ye'll no bring it back!'
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #18 on:
May 10, 2010, 10:45:13 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
The Clairvoyant Child
________________________________
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and
goodbye Grandma..' The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy sh!t thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into
shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his
office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the
clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He
felt safe in the Office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at
every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's
the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the
middle of my lesson!
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #19 on:
May 15, 2010, 05:43:30 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy
went to the local church for confession..
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional the man
said: "Father ...... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.... She started to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
_____________________________
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #20 on:
May 19, 2010, 06:49:22 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over
to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's
ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and
shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the
dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #21 on:
May 20, 2010, 02:20:27 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
LOL Ed.
The Human Body!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from
your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #22 on:
May 26, 2010, 11:20:16 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #23 on:
May 26, 2010, 12:36:50 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
LOL Ed
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #24 on:
May 28, 2010, 08:07:18 AM »
aPotHead2
308 Member
Posts: 91
Could you stop the meat from thinking?
"You Know You're Too Stressed If..."
...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...the Sun is too loud.
...trees begin chasing you.
...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
...you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
...you can hear mimes.
...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
...things become "Very Clear."
...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
...your heart beats in 7/8 time.
...you and Reality file for divorce.
...you can skip without a rope.
...it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
...you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
...you can travel without moving.
...antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
...you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
...you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
...teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
...you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
Logged
When all of your wishes are granted....many of your dreams will be destroyed
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #25 on:
May 28, 2010, 08:41:01 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #26 on:
May 28, 2010, 08:41:53 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
Larry the cable guy
“Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a dang genius”.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #27 on:
May 28, 2010, 08:43:36 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.
It's called the Moh Obama Cabinet Bucket.
It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #28 on:
June 03, 2010, 02:40:47 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
The year is 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #29 on:
June 03, 2010, 02:42:53 PM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2754
funny.
I hate several ppl you mentioned.
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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