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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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Topic: Jokes to lighten your day:) (Read 56000 times)
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #105 on:
March 03, 2011, 01:41:39 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #106 on:
March 03, 2011, 01:52:31 PM »
HokieLoki
Guest
Almost tl;dr but I stuck it out. That's really funny Ed. I'm sitting in class with a smile on my face.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #107 on:
March 03, 2011, 03:17:17 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
^True
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #108 on:
March 11, 2011, 12:26:46 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 5-yr old girl
to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old
what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...
smack his arse again!"
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #109 on:
March 12, 2011, 02:01:24 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood
pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #110 on:
March 18, 2011, 04:17:25 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #111 on:
March 18, 2011, 04:21:34 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
funny Ed
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #112 on:
March 23, 2011, 06:02:27 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #113 on:
March 23, 2011, 07:05:16 PM »
snipa
Server Admin
Posts: 241
boop boop badoop.
Quote from: thekitten on March 23, 2011, 06:02:27 PM
"then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
YES! sad but true.
C'EST LA VIE
Logged
To the left where nothing's right? To the right where nothing's left?
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #114 on:
March 25, 2011, 10:17:06 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #115 on:
March 31, 2011, 05:33:06 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
A small zoo in Newcastle upon Toon - acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie Elliott, a
local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy the
any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Geordie was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
for £500?
Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under four conditions:
1. "First", Geordie said, "Nee kissin’ on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Geordie said, "Ah want all the bairns raised as Newcastle
fans."
Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Geordie stated, "You gotta givvus another week
to come up with the £500"
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #116 on:
March 31, 2011, 05:54:11 PM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2754
^lol
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #117 on:
April 02, 2011, 04:47:16 PM »
HokieLoki
Guest
Did you hear about Heisenberg's sexual problems?
If he got in the right position, he could never get the speed right. And if he and his wife had the time for it, they were never in the right place.
------
So all the famous physicists decide to play hide and seak. Einstein slowly starts counting..10,9,8... everyone could hide away only Newton can't find a proper place. Then suddenly he draws a square and sits down right in the middle of it. Of course Einstein notices Newton and sais "I got you" then Newton replies: "No no my friend, im one newton on one square meter so you actually found Pascal"
------
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
------
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #118 on:
April 20, 2011, 03:00:05 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde
joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #119 on:
April 21, 2011, 04:35:06 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter
Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says
"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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