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Topic: Jokes to lighten your day:) (Read 56007 times)
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #30 on:
June 03, 2010, 02:50:46 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
Signs of the time
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
***************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
***************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #31 on:
June 03, 2010, 02:51:25 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE. ANOTHER SEVERELY INJURED
>>
>> A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
>>
>> She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
>>
>> One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
>>
>> He never even had a chance to duck.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #32 on:
June 03, 2010, 03:05:26 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
"Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so
sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Four
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Six
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough
features yet.
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get
some work done."
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Eight
One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer
took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess.
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took
the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #33 on:
June 03, 2010, 03:10:59 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
Children Writing About the Ocean...
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
(Mikey, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend anymore. (Kylie, age 6 )
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #34 on:
June 03, 2010, 03:13:19 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #35 on:
June 03, 2010, 03:16:55 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
An oldie, but still humorus.
The Amish Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'
On a side note...I worked in Lancaster county, Pa., for several years and have seen quite a few very cute amish girls/women. I've seen some that need the elevator, too, though.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #36 on:
June 04, 2010, 06:58:35 AM »
aPotHead2
308 Member
Posts: 91
Could you stop the meat from thinking?
Baby Power
Hello, my name is Quinn, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.
Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!
Rule #1
You have absolute power.
Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.
Rule #2
Cry.
Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.
Rule #3
Be cute.
This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.
Rule #4
Keep them weak.
I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule #5
Pee on them.
Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere
Rule #6
Make them carry you.
Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.
Rule #7
Smack them around a little.
Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.
Rule #8
Women and grandparents love babies.
Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!
Rule #9
Siblings exist for your amusement.
Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.
Rule #10
No private time.
This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!
That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.
You have the power!
Logged
When all of your wishes are granted....many of your dreams will be destroyed
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #37 on:
June 04, 2010, 07:00:19 AM »
aPotHead2
308 Member
Posts: 91
Could you stop the meat from thinking?
What The Job Ad Says; What It Means, Part I
Ground floor opportunity
-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential
-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important
-$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
Salary range $24K to $32K
-The salary is $24K
Will train
-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
BA required, MA preferred
-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
Civil service
-This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Logged
When all of your wishes are granted....many of your dreams will be destroyed
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #38 on:
June 04, 2010, 07:00:54 AM »
aPotHead2
308 Member
Posts: 91
Could you stop the meat from thinking?
What The Job Ad Says; What It Means, Part II
Outstanding benefits package
-Health insurance
Tons of variety
-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
Top notch communication skills
-Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive locale
-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
Secretary
-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
Executive secretary
-The most powerful position in any company
Dedicated
-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate
-We'll pay you whatever the we feel like
Salary negotiable
-We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary
-We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job!
Competitive starting salary
-Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere
-A staff of pod people
Professional atmosphere
-Zombie pod people
Self-starter
-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means
Logged
When all of your wishes are granted....many of your dreams will be destroyed
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #39 on:
June 04, 2010, 08:51:07 AM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2754
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #40 on:
June 06, 2010, 08:57:08 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America!
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #41 on:
June 10, 2010, 04:25:49 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes”, he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00am?”
"This is a government job”, the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts. No point in you coming in for that.”
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #42 on:
June 10, 2010, 04:29:46 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
The Dot
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #43 on:
June 10, 2010, 04:33:47 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
"The South"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana . "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
South Carolina
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
Logged
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #44 on:
June 10, 2010, 04:38:12 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
Greatest golf story ever
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the
ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than
likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will
have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be
spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"
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