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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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Topic: Jokes to lighten your day:) (Read 56010 times)
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #180 on:
April 12, 2014, 01:40:24 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #181 on:
May 18, 2014, 10:38:42 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #182 on:
May 19, 2014, 04:25:53 AM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2754
Quote from: Eric on May 18, 2014, 10:38:42 AM
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"
lol. Wisdom from the mouth of babes.
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"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #183 on:
June 21, 2014, 04:53:14 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have
to let her inside.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #184 on:
July 26, 2014, 02:13:22 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #185 on:
September 09, 2014, 12:19:59 PM »
CraigMitchell44
308 Member
Posts: 118
2015. Obama is dying from cancer, and in his last days, decides to be frozen to see if he can be saved in the future.
20 years later, doctors bring him back to life and health. He leaves the hospital and goes to a bar.
Shocking : He left a grim Earth, but now, lots of people are smiling, joking... SO he orders a beer and asks his neighbor :
-"Hello dude, so, what's going on in the world? I've been under a rock for a while!"
-The man smiles and tells Obama : "everything is great! The US has a growing economy and overcame its racism, the EU finally became a federal state that works great, China's peaceful, Russia is our friend..."
-The former President smiles and answers : "Heh, I was right to behave this way, the world became a better place!"
-The man keeps going : "It did! We don't fear war nor unemployment anymore, and the whole world launched an awesome common space program. Hell, even the Middle East is peaceful."
-Obama's eyes shine, as he shouts "Yes we could, and yes we did! Everything has become better... I'm buying a round of beer for everyone! Hey, barista, how much does it cost?"
The sexy barmaid smiles and answers : "50 rubles, sir."
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You either die a noob or live long enough to see yourself get called a hacker.
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #186 on:
October 01, 2014, 01:12:27 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #187 on:
February 23, 2015, 08:39:28 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the man without hesitation.
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse."
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #188 on:
February 23, 2015, 12:08:09 PM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2754
^ Now that is funny.
Logged
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #189 on:
April 25, 2015, 07:23:03 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #190 on:
May 08, 2015, 05:45:17 AM »
CraigMitchell44
308 Member
Posts: 118
Today is the day on which Germans remind themselves that it isn't important to win, but to take part.
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You either die a noob or live long enough to see yourself get called a hacker.
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #191 on:
May 09, 2015, 10:27:36 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Why is I don't believe you...
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #192 on:
July 06, 2015, 05:42:18 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Welsh Rugby Joke:)
The Welsh team were playing England at Twickenham and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Gareth Edwards getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Gareth to go out on his own.
“No worries,” Gareth told them, “I’ll join you later and tell you what happened.” After the game Gareth headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
“What!” said a furious Ray Gravell, “How did you let them get three points?” Gareth replied apologetically: “I was sent off with 20 minutes to go.”
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #193 on:
July 25, 2015, 09:51:22 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #194 on:
February 28, 2016, 04:27:51 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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