Jokes to lighten your day:)

[Eric]

Staggering Home from the Pub


 


 Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.


 Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"



  Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."


 


Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.


 


"Dammit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. 


 


He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.


 


"Oh God, this is gettin' worse," he slurs.


 


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.


 


He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.


 


He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.


 


He falls flat on his face.


 


"I'll never make it home," he mumbles amid more curses.



 He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.



  He takes a look up the stairs and grunts "No way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "Maybe I can just can make it to the bed."


 


He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.


 


He says "To hell with it" and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Bridie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".


 


Paddy says, "I did Bridie. I was totally scuttered pissed.  Me head's throbbin'.  But how'd ye know?"


 



 


"Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Eric]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
 
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
 
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
 
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
 
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
 
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
 
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
 
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
 


"I outlived the bastards."

[Eric]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.


"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

[Eric]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

 Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

 

Think before you continue reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

 The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

 Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

 Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.



God, I just love happy endings!

[thekitten]

The Vasectomy

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him
to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies
have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he
will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to
locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient
and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window
to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.


Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, “They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you
have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

[Eric]

GREAT TRUTHS that little daughters have learned:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

[Eric]

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers,

 "The wife did it."

[Eric]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
 
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

[Eric]

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: “AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!”

[Eric]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".   Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to
let her in.

[Eric]

A woman standing nude in front of a  mirror says to her husband,  I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly; pay me a compliment.'  He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'



Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,  'Your sense of humour! 

[Eric]

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !







Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. 


When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in Heaven:




Don't step on the ducks!' 

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough,

there are ducks all over the place.

It's almost impossible not to step on a duck,

and although they try their best to avoid them,

the first woman accidentally steps on one. 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'




The next day,the second woman steps accidentally on a duck.

Along comes St. Peter,who doesn't miss a thing, accompanied by another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

with the same admonishment as for the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and,

not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. 


She manages to go months

without stepping on any ducks,

then one day St.Peter comes up to her

with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.





St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. 

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

chained to you for all of eternity?' 

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a 
Duck. 

[Eric]

An elderly couple is attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Eric]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'


















 The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"






 The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth  Love, and show him . . .”

[Eric]

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.


“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
 “I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
 “Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
 “Yes, it is.” – she says.


“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
 “Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.



Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”