Jokes to lighten your day:)

[CraigMitchell44]

I heard Donald Trump wants to ban all imported shredded cheese, if he wins the election.
Looks like he wants to make American grate again...

[butt]

^That would qualify as a "dad" joke 

[alice]

don't know if you already know this one...

[Eric]

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

 53 to flame the spell checkers.

 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

 44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[butt]

^ That hurt my head.
But true

[Eric]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

[Eric]

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."

[Eric]

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[Eric]

FACEBOOK 

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works.
I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.

[butt]

Thats pretty funny 

[Eric]

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

[Eric]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven."Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven."Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Six."Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven!"Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[Eric]

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”

Check out this really funny jokes: http://www.short-funny.com/new-jokes.php#ixzz4ndumqdSx

[Eric]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
 Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[Eric]

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

Check out this really funny jokes: http://www.short-funny.com/hilarious-jokes-2.php#ixzz53OBlRTQT