Jokes to lighten your day:)

[thekitten]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.   
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'   
So he tied her up and went golfing.   

[thekitten]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.   
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'   
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'   
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'   

[thekitten]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 

[thekitten]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.   
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.   
The optician showed him a card with the letters     
   
 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'   
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.   
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'   

[thekitten]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'   
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

[thekitten]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.   
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.   
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'   
The wife stared at him.   
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'   
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'   

[thekitten]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.   
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.   
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.   
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.   
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.   
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.   
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Eric]

all good stuff Ed-------- LOL.
 

[Eric]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(Or the uncertainty of the English language)


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

[Eric]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(Or the uncertainty of the English language)




A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said,
'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'but she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

[thekitten]

This has been around for awhile and is allegedly true...

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property.   It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania .   This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.   

State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County     

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:     

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.   

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.   

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations..  We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.   

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County   

Dear Mr..Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me.  I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .     

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'     

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.   As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?     

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.  (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns..  My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.     

If you want the dammed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.     

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).     

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area  It is the bears!  Bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!     

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS   

[thekitten]

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

 Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill .
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

 More routine....
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another Beer while he flips the meat

 Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

 More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

 And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts..

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off'and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[thekitten]

ANDY  ROONEY ON SEX ~
 
 
  1.  When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good  memory....I don't remember what I chose.
 
  2.  Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
 
  3.  A wife is a sex object.  Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
 
  4.  Impotence:  Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
 
  5.  There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men -  'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
 
  6.  Panties:  Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on  earth.
 
  7.  There are three stages in a man's life:  Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
 
  8.  Virginity can be cured.
 
  9.  Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
 
10.  Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner,  you better have a good hand.
 
11.  I  tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13.  Question:  What's an Australian kiss?

       Answer:  The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14.  A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.  He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15.  Question:  What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

Answer:  Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16.  Question:  Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  Answer:  Breasts don't have eyes.

17.  Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

[aPotHead2]

HOW TO SELL ... TOOTHBRUSHES


 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.


 

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."


 

"Very good," said the teacher.


 

Little Jenny was next:


 

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."


 

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.


 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.


 

The teacher held her breath...


 

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.


 

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"


 

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.


 

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


 

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."


 

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"


 

Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"


 

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they say is good,
and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[aPotHead2]

AAADD

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers...

Now I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember

what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

-the car isn't washed,

-the bills aren't paid,

-there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

-the flowers don't have enough water,

-there is still only one check in my check book,

-I can't find the remote,

-I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.