Jokes to lighten your day:)

[thekitten]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really?
And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, comes the reply.

[Eric]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
 
 He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to
 empty the cash drawers.
 
 As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his
 balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and
 shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
 
 The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes
 over and shoots him in the head also.
 
 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
 
 There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
 distant corner......







 
> 'I think my missus caught a glimpse.....

[butt]

Got this one from Blackduck yesterday (old member from AU)




A bloke goes into the Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind
The desk.

The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.."

"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Wagga Wagga "

"Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

[thekitten]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. 

It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.  "I don't know what came over me.  On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise

that won't happen again.  Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

[joe9142]

Not really a joke but does not deserve another thread: but it will lighten your day.

STRESSED

is

DESSERTS

Spelled backwards.

[Groovechild]

A man a plan a canal panama,

backwards is...

A man a plan a canal panama.

[TheMIC]

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

 

[Eric]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!

 

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn't what they had in mind.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.   Nothing.

 

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

[butt]

Skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

[Eric]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing
Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

[TheMIC]

Skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

lol it took me a while to get this one! 

[Unforgiven75]

I saw a man with one leg and no arms standing at the ATM. He asked if I would help and check his balance, so I pushed the bastard over.

[thekitten]

A man had 50 yard line tickets  for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is  sitting in the seat next to him.
 
"No," he says, "The seat is  empty."

 "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right  mind would have a
 seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting  event in the world,
 and not use it?" 
He says, "Well, actually,  the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed  away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't  been to together since we got  married in 1967."

 "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.  But couldn't you find
 someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor  to take the seat?".

 The man shakes his head.  "No,  they're all at the funeral." .

[Eric]

Twelve Italian priests were about  to be ordained.


The final test was for them to line  up in a straight row, totally nude,  in the seminary garden while a sexy, beautiful,  big breasted, nude model danced  before them.
 
Each priest had a small bell attached  to his "weenie" & they were told  that anyone whose bell rang when  she danced in front of them would  not be ordained because he had not  reached a state of spiritual purity.
 
The beautiful model danced before  the first candidate with no reaction.. She proceeded down the line with  the same response from all the  priests until she got to the final  priest, Nicolo
 
Poor Nicolo. As the beautiful woman danced, his  bell began to ring so loudly that it  flew off, clattering across the  ground & laid to rest in  nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, poor Nicolo quickly  scrambled to where the bell came  to rest. He bent over to pick it up....  & all the other bells started to ring.

[butt]

I lol'd.

good one.