Jokes to lighten your day:)

[thekitten]

The Sneeze
 
A man and  a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an  airplane.

The woman  sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for  ten to fifteen seconds.

The man  went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a  tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming  that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the  shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As  before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than  before.

Unable to  restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help  but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered  violently. Are you OK?"

"I am  sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I  sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man,  more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that  condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman  nodded, "Pepper."

[thekitten]

Ageing
Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was  particularly despondent over the recent death of  her husband. She decided that she would just  kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out  his old Army pistol and made the decision to  shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not  wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just  exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The  doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

 

 
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[thekitten]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find herhusband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Eric]

[Sordid Shadow]

This one is PC for the most part... sexual themes, parents mildly cautioned...

This is an old one from www.albinoblacksheep.com, hope you like it.


bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

bloodninja: Baby?

-------------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.

j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.

j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.

j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.

j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.

bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

j_gurli3: thats it.

bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?

eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.

BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.

eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.

BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.

BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.

eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

[Eric]

THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE?.


It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.


The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks itunder his arm.


"O'Malley, Ireland," he says,"Fencing."

[Eric]

The Year Is 1915, The An English Man, An Irish Man, And a Scots Man are all in a German Prison. Finally they find a chance to escape.

As they attempt to escape they discover the germans are chasing them, so they dive into a room and each of them hides in a sack.


One german enters the room and gives the sack the english man is in a little nudge and shouts "Who's In There?" The English Man then goes "Woof Woof" The German Then says "Oh, it's only a dog"


The German then walks over to the sack the scotsman is in and gives that a litytle nudge and shouts "Who's In there?" the scots man then says "Meow" The German then says "Oh It's Only A Cat"


The German then gives the sack the irish man is in a little nudge and shouts "who's in there?"

The Irish Man Then Shouts "POTATOES!!"

[Eric]

A Mom comes to visit her son John who's living with a female roommate named Samantha. John's mother doesn't like the idea of her son living with a woman, as he's in college and doesn't need any distractions. To ease his mother's worries, John invites her to stay for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver peanut butter jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the peanut butter jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
John

Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Samantha, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow...

Love,
Mom

[Eric]

Wrong E-mail Address!
 
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: May 9th, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here

now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

 

[Eric]

Job Application
 
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
 

[HokieLoki]

I won't put the actual picture because it is really long and I don't want to be obtrusive.

http://i.imgur.com/tx6xT.jpg

[Eric]

Bob goes into a cafe and takes a seat near the window.
 
 The waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the
 special of the day?"
 
 "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last
 bowl."
 
 Not taken with anything else on the menu Bob says he'll just have
 coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waits, Bob
 notices the man next to him is eating a full lunch, and the bowl
 of chili remains uneaten.
 
 "Excuse me sir", enquires Bob, "Are you going to eat your chili?"
 
 "No, help yourself," replies his neighbour.
 
 Bob picks up a spoon and eagerly begins devouring the chili, but
 stops half way through the bowl, upon discovering the body of a
 dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
 
 Sickened, he pukes the chili he's just eaten back into the bowl.
 
 The man sitting next to him leans over and says, "Yeah, that's as
 far as I got, too."

[butt]

I won't put the actual picture because it is really long and I don't want to be obtrusive.

http://i.imgur.com/tx6xT.jpg

deleted three more posts...

DO NOT POST PICS OR VIDEOS IN THIS THREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAM

[Eric]

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. 

[Eric]

Milk and eggs                                                             

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:                 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."                           

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"                           

He replied, "They had eggs."                                             

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)