Jokes to lighten your day:)

[Eric]

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

[Eric]

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”



That’s about as far as I remember.

[Eric]

t’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says.   ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

[butt]

 

[Eric]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.



They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

[Eric]

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

[Eric]

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
-
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

[Eric]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.