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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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Topic: Jokes to lighten your day:) (Read 57135 times)
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #75 on:
August 30, 2010, 02:44:14 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Funny LOL.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #76 on:
September 01, 2010, 12:53:29 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #77 on:
September 04, 2010, 07:29:30 PM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
Husband and wife shopping at Wal-Mart. Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks what he is doing. He says that the beer is on sale. 24 cans for $10. She says that they cannot afford that so he puts it back. A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks what's that for. The wife says it makes her face pretty. The husband says "so does 24 cans of beer and its half the price."
The funeral is scheduled for next week.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #78 on:
September 04, 2010, 08:22:08 PM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2758
^ I lol'd
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"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #79 on:
September 05, 2010, 04:45:08 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
+2.
good start to the day
Thanks
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #80 on:
September 15, 2010, 06:56:51 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
Would You Remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looked over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "...shit"
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #81 on:
September 15, 2010, 10:53:58 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
LOL.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #82 on:
September 15, 2010, 10:57:32 AM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...
“Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up .
The End
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #83 on:
September 22, 2010, 02:45:32 PM »
joe9142
Posts: 91
weapon of choice: MY BARE HANDS
AT Confession
by Harvey Stanbrough
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"How long since your last confession?"
"Two years."
"what's the trouble?"
"I have wished death on a man."
"You haven't acted on your wish?"
"Not yet."
"Who is the man?"
"He is cheating with my wife."
The priest paled. "I forgive you."
I shot him through the screen.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #84 on:
September 27, 2010, 02:15:25 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
For those of you who may not be so "handy" w/ tools, here is a brief description of several common shop tools and their uses.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shucks--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
OH NUTS! (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'OH NUTS!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative.
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #85 on:
September 27, 2010, 06:23:41 AM »
BJ1435
Posts: 65
Right on target!!!!!!
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #86 on:
September 28, 2010, 02:50:14 PM »
Balistics101
Guest
Posts: 88
Balistics101 or Gen.Matt.101
LOL
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #87 on:
September 28, 2010, 03:04:08 PM »
butt
janitor
Posts: 2758
Pretty funny. Had to re-post it elsewhere.
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"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin
"Masculine Republics give way to feminine democracies, and feminine democracies give way to tyranny."
Aristotle
Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #88 on:
October 11, 2010, 02:26:49 PM »
Eric
janitor
Posts: 1579
Eric14 aka StrontiumDog34
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West
> Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly
> lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was
> writing to say thank you.
>
> This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know
> who might need a lift today
>
>
> Dear Lions Bay School ,
>
>
> God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens
> luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the
> Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank
> you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
>
> My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let
> me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and
> understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
>
> The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
> pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could now
> tell her to ~uck off.
>
> Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
>
> God bless you all.
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> Edna
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Re: Jokes to lighten your day:)
«
Reply #89 on:
October 12, 2010, 06:07:58 AM »
thekitten
Clan & Server Admin
Posts: 434
aka: etlives
FOOTBALL TRUTHS...
1) What does the average Penn State player get on his SATs?
........Drool.
2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
........A full set of teeth.
3) How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
........Grease her hips and push.
4) How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.
5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
......There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
6) Why is the Maryland football team like a possum?
....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
7) What are the longest three years of a Texas Longhorn football player's life?
........His freshman year.
How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
........None. That's a sophomore course.
9) Where was O. J. Headed in the white Bronco?
....... Durham , North Carolina . He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.
10) How do you keep an SMU football player out of your front yard?
....................Erect a goal post!
AND FINALLY
11) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week
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Jokes to lighten your day:)
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